April 21, 2018

I’d like to say that I wake up every morning feeling like P. Diddy but that would be a lie. Especially on an early soccer Saturday morning. It’s more like the droopy cartoon dog that uses toothpicks to keep his eyes open. Sleeping in is for the weak…and kidless.

Since my husband is on the pool deck all day I’m on soccer with my Little. I reluctantly rolled out of bed and dragged myself to the kitchen to start the coffee and feed the dog, knocking on her  door on the way. I narrowly missed falling in the hallway as the kitten weaved in and out of my feet. Same four-letter words, different day. I’m comfortable with routine. 
Once fueled for the day I showered, swiped sharpie on my roots, slathered on some lipstick, grabbed my shoes and we were out the door. I finally see the resemblance between myself and the preschool drawings my kids made of me. A circle with limbs coming out of it with black marker hair and bad lipstick. Accurate. 
We flew down the hill to the fields and my daughter jumped out of my moving car to make it there just in time. Success. Despite my mismatched shoes I’m calling this morning a win.

July 20, 2018

Sometimes to better yourself you have to say goodbye to people who aren’t good for you and turn to food for comfort. I’ll explain. I recently decided to make some changes in my life when I was surfing and didn’t have the strength to pop myself up on the board. I was mortified! If I wasn’t strong enough to surf, could I fend off a rabid attacker or fight my way through the crowds on Black Friday to get a super cheap TV? Could I protect my kids from an angry bear? While unlikely, these things are possible and I should always be ready for anything. I knew I needed to lose weight and get stronger if I was going to survive in today’s world. I decided to try the Keto diet and here’s my take.
If you love bread-don’t. If you poop regularly-forget it. If you are a Vegan-vegetarian-herbivore, stop it. Once in ketosis you will breathe, sweat and pee fat, which stinks, so carry deodorant and mouthwash. This is a high-fat, low-carb diet, yes that’s what I said, so forget everything you have ever been told about dieting. If you were born in the 70’s working out with Jane Fonda and Sweatin’ to the Oldies with Richard Simmons, you’ll have to change your whole outlook on nutrition. Most importantly, and let’s be honest, if you are over 40 you will need Botox and Fillers once the weight literally falls off of you. You will look like you are 100 if you don’t.
If you like drinking coffee with oil and butter in it, eating cheese for days-literally and gnawing on meat throughout the day like a hyena, you will love this diet. The first few days are a bummer but it gets really easy after that and losing 10 pounds in the first week was very motivating since my scale dictates my mood most days. Mostly I’m cranky. It’s an especially good diet if you like to eat bacon on bacon with a side of bacon, which fortunately for me I do. This diet was clearly made for me.
Here I am at week 8 and I’m still killing it. Just be careful if you travel. Young fast-food restaurant workers in the Midwest don’t know what protein style or wrapped in lettuce means. Literally. It was a struggle. I think I talk too fast. It was bad enough that people saw our California license plates and sped up to see who was driving like it might be someone famous. We just hid our faces and sped off. I just wanted a burger without the bun. It was impossible, like maybe illegal.
They say not to eat any sugar-free foods but I have because sometimes I need a sweet fix. This should be a rare occurrence, statistically like as often as you might plan on getting struck by lightning or win the lottery. If you do, just watch out. Eating too much of a sugar-free food at once will cause an immediate laxative effect. You will poop violently and explosively and sometimes stuff you haven’t even eaten yet will come out. You won’t get much notice so I recommend wearing running shoes at all times even while asleep. You have to be swift and can’t risk stepping on a Lego on your mad dash to the toilet. You won’t make it. Clear your calendar and send your family away for the night. Even the dog won’t stick by your side for this. Go ahead and send him on with the family. This seems to be the anecdote to the massive amount of cheese consumption mentioned earlier but sometimes the cons outweigh the pros. Like dehydration, hemorrhoids, and possible divorce. Your choice.
For the most part, this is has been a super easy diet for me to stick to since my body runs the most efficiently on fat and sass, which I already have a large supply of. I’m not sure how long I’ll follow it but for now I’m happy with it. Me and bacon against the world.
So, the people I have removed from my life are the donut guy and Ronald McDonald. It wasn’t easy, but I think they were only after my money anyway.

May 14, 2018

I once heard that if every spider in the world takes a day off, the ecological impact would be mayhem, famine, and disease. It’s similar to Mother’s Day when every mom takes a break from her usual routine. While I have almost no
similarities to a spider other than hairy legs and the one time I accidentally ate a fly, I can relate. As a result, I have declared today “National Messy House Monday”. It occurs every year the day after Mother’s Day because while we relax, the destruction of the house continues. Laundry multiplies when left unattended and dust and dog hair waits for no one. I currently have enough dog hair on my wood floors to make another dog. So, if you need me tonight, don’t because I’ll be busy. Next year I’m taking this day off. Cheers to the Monday after clean up efforts!

May 4, 2018
While waiting in line behind 50 people at Costco I called the store and asked them to open more registers. After laughing at my call they did! “Hi! I’m in line and I have ice cream and it’s hot outside, can you please open more registers?”

April 30, 2018

If he could only see the expression on my face when he sent this. It was similar to the time I used a Groupon for Botox and looked like an evil genius for 3 months. It didn’t matter where he said he was going, it could have been Narnia and my reaction would have been the same. He isn’t coming home.

“Bye Mom!” is all I got when I dropped my 4 year-old off at school on the first day of kindergarten and it was the same last fall at his college. Whether I like it or not, he’s moved out and it’s time to clean out his room. 
I entered his room wearing swim goggles and a dust mask then quickly added hard soled shoes once I discovered inadvertent LEGO booby traps. I thought an orange vest would be overkill since there wasn’t much chance of getting hit by a car in his room. I solved the great mystery of where socks go as everything I picked up had either a sock, a penny, or a rock under it. Rocks? Some things had all three. It took me 4 hours and lots of tears as I rifled through my only son’s last eighteen years. He wore a brown leather bomber jacket size 2T. He was going to be a paleontologist. I managed to reduce his childhood into a shoebox. Most other things were donated or hazmat. I recovered 8 single socks, 12 spoons, several sports pictures of the cutest dark haired little boy I ever saw, and $22.41 in change. I know he will be back from time to time but never to live home for good. I look forward to being annoyed when he comes home to visit and puts an empty milk carton back in the fridge and leaves his dirty laundry on the bathroom floor.

November 16, 2017

I Googled “Daylight Savings Time” and the first thing that popped up was “WTF?” (I’m kidding, don’t try it). Seriously it is so dumb. I have noticed three things this last week besides that it is cold (which equally sucks).

1. I have woken up at 4:00am every morning-ugh.
2. I am ready for bed at a quarter to 5 each night and
3. Since it is now daylight at the bus stop I probably need to wear a bra and shoes besides the slippers I took from a hotel room in the Dominican when dropping my daughter off. I think I may have heard the bus driver mumble something this morning about this not being Woodstock.

What’s worse, is that I just started running again being that I need to get my summer body ready, yes I need that much time, but now I don’t want to do anything but lay on my couch and watch the Hallmark channel. I will most likely get used to the new time when it’s time to spring forward again.

October 24, 2017

Why do I bother paying at the pump for gas when I go to get my receipt and it says “Attendant has receipt”? I swear they use that to lure you in to buy stuff from the mini mart. I’m sorry, was $8 a gallon not enough?

Yes, thank you for welcoming me to Circle K. No, I don’t need 64 ounces of diabetes for 89 cents or a king size bar of obesity 2 for a dollar. What part of me looks like it needs a snack? I just need my receipt.

Yes, it’s nice and cool in here and yes I see you have air fresheners for the car. I wouldn’t need the a/c if I hadn’t had to trek across the parking lot in a thousand degrees to come in here and hey let me rub that air freshener on my body cause now I’m sweaty. My receipt please.

Restroom? Nope. Don’t need hepatitis just in time for the holidays but thanks. Just need my receipt!

No, I don’t want to play the lottery today because I’m super happy being poor. Receipt please!
The best part is that I finally get my receipt, shove it in my purse and realize when I get home that it’s someone else’s.

September 30, 2017

This morning I had to make an emergency phone call to my daughter from the toilet because the toilet paper roll was empty. God forbid someone else replaces it! Do I have to do everything around here? It’s like, “Mom’s drinking coffee, let’s really screw with her!” I am outnumbered for sure. My kids have no idea how to communicate unless it’s by way of a smartphone. I almost had to send a Snapchat from the toilet. I’d love to watch that go viral. I’m going to have to make a Youtube video to get through to them. “Hey guys! Today I am going to show you how to change a toilet paper roll.” Good grief! The zombie apocalypse is coming people but it isn’t going to be caused by a virus. It will just be our kids in 10 years wandering around clueless about how to do anything. Lord help us all!

November 8, 2016

Today I am going out to vote because it is one of the cool things we get to do in the United States as adults. Kids get the fun job of pulling their own teeth and running everywhere they go. We get this. I am exercising my right to my own opinion and I will be tolerant and understanding of those who don’t agree with me. I will obey God’s will to love all humans. After posting this from my phone that is so old it isn’t smart anymore, I will leave my 40 year old home that cost over a 1/2 a million dollars, get in my 12 year old car, take my child to daycare and go to the job that I love but would be homeless without, then do my homework for a school that I have a private student loan for, then I will go and vote. I will channel my best Napoleon Dynamite attitude when asked who I am voting for with an angry “Whoever I feel like, GOSH!” because that is my right. Happy Election Day FB friends!

With all of the chaos and drama in the world it’s really nice when you have something happen in your life that restores your faith in humanity. This story isn’t an example of one. Tonight I went to Target after days of shopping all over town searching for missing pieces of Halloween costumes for my family. I finally found the very last thing I needed and was mentally and physically done for the day. If you could see me, you’d believe it. In the very crowded store I was thankful to have only a short wait in the self checkout lane. Two were in use displaying the green light overhead while one was flashing red with a 4 year-old pushing all of the buttons while kneeling on the part that weighs your stuff. Good times. I finally got my turn to purchase. I scanned my item and put it in the bag. It didn’t weigh enough to register so I had to convince the machine that, yes I did want to bag my item and, oh no don’t start flashing red. Mission accomplished until I realized that I didn’t put my debit card in my sassy little black cross body purse. I only had my license and, oh thank goodness $6 in cash. Honestly I don’t know where the cash came from since I haven’t carried any since the 90’s. I couldn’t find the color leggings I needed for my costume anywhere on earth in my size and had to settle for girls size 10-12 which was thankfully only $6. In case you are

wondering how I fit in girls 10-12s, they stretch. But geez,  I didn’t have enough for the tax, and yes I actually said that out loud because that’s what I do. I talk to myself. Embarrassed, I slinked to the team member that watches over the self checkout but obviously didn’t care about the 4 year-old now jumping on the machine next to me, and told her that I needed to go scavenge my car seats for 48 cents. I had hit a new low. This is where viral posts are born. When one of the at least 34 people around me hear of my woes and come to my rescue with the change I need to make my purchase. Nope, not today. I ran out to my car because you can’t panhandle outside of Target, unlike Walmart. I got into my car just barely since my fob battery is hit and miss and started rummaging around. Since I had just cleaned out the entire car I was surprised to find 23 cents, a Cheeze It, and a Lego Friend head but I was still 25 cents short. I called my niece with my cell that was in single-digit percentage for battery life, seriously I need to have a pity party, and told her about how pathetic I am. She came and rescued me with a quarter. No questions or strings attached. How many people do you know that would do that for you? So now all is good. I returned to the store and completed my purchase. I got home safely and quickly changed the battery in my key fob, plugged in my phone, and then grabbed a handful of change and chucked it inside of my car where it settled into random cracks and crevasses in my seats and will stay there until I will undoubtedly need it some other time.