July 20, 2018

Sometimes to better yourself you have to say goodbye to people who aren’t good for you and turn to food for comfort. I’ll explain. I recently decided to make some changes in my life when I was surfing and didn’t have the strength to pop myself up on the board. I was mortified! If I wasn’t strong enough to surf, could I fend off a rabid attacker or fight my way through the crowds on Black Friday to get a super cheap TV? Could I protect my kids from an angry bear? While unlikely, these things are possible and I should always be ready for anything. I knew I needed to lose weight and get stronger if I was going to survive in today’s world. I decided to try the Keto diet and here’s my take.
If you love bread-don’t. If you poop regularly-forget it. If you are a Vegan-vegetarian-herbivore, stop it. Once in ketosis you will breathe, sweat and pee fat, which stinks, so carry deodorant and mouthwash. This is a high-fat, low-carb diet, yes that’s what I said, so forget everything you have ever been told about dieting. If you were born in the 70’s working out with Jane Fonda and Sweatin’ to the Oldies with Richard Simmons, you’ll have to change your whole outlook on nutrition. Most importantly, and let’s be honest, if you are over 40 you will need Botox and Fillers once the weight literally falls off of you. You will look like you are 100 if you don’t.
If you like drinking coffee with oil and butter in it, eating cheese for days-literally and gnawing on meat throughout the day like a hyena, you will love this diet. The first few days are a bummer but it gets really easy after that and losing 10 pounds in the first week was very motivating since my scale dictates my mood most days. Mostly I’m cranky. It’s an especially good diet if you like to eat bacon on bacon with a side of bacon, which fortunately for me I do. This diet was clearly made for me.
Here I am at week 8 and I’m still killing it. Just be careful if you travel. Young fast-food restaurant workers in the Midwest don’t know what protein style or wrapped in lettuce means. Literally. It was a struggle. I think I talk too fast. It was bad enough that people saw our California license plates and sped up to see who was driving like it might be someone famous. We just hid our faces and sped off. I just wanted a burger without the bun. It was impossible, like maybe illegal.
They say not to eat any sugar-free foods but I have because sometimes I need a sweet fix. This should be a rare occurrence, statistically like as often as you might plan on getting struck by lightning or win the lottery. If you do, just watch out. Eating too much of a sugar-free food at once will cause an immediate laxative effect. You will poop violently and explosively and sometimes stuff you haven’t even eaten yet will come out. You won’t get much notice so I recommend wearing running shoes at all times even while asleep. You have to be swift and can’t risk stepping on a Lego on your mad dash to the toilet. You won’t make it. Clear your calendar and send your family away for the night. Even the dog won’t stick by your side for this. Go ahead and send him on with the family. This seems to be the anecdote to the massive amount of cheese consumption mentioned earlier but sometimes the cons outweigh the pros. Like dehydration, hemorrhoids, and possible divorce. Your choice.
For the most part, this is has been a super easy diet for me to stick to since my body runs the most efficiently on fat and sass, which I already have a large supply of. I’m not sure how long I’ll follow it but for now I’m happy with it. Me and bacon against the world.
So, the people I have removed from my life are the donut guy and Ronald McDonald. It wasn’t easy, but I think they were only after my money anyway.

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