September 5, 2012

In honor of the first week of school I have thought about this time of year and realized why it’s called “Fall”. Everything starts out perfect and slowly starts to decline. First week of school vs. Eighth week of school.

For the first week they have all new clothes which are ironed, matching, and with new shoes. By the eighth week the same clothes are worn to donation status and all pants are now high waters. What the heck? It hasn’t even been cold yet. Nothing seems to match anymore and missing buttons on shorts renders them a total loss. Should this be claimable on Homeowner’s? Holes in shoes, both feet.

During the first week Mom gets up early to make breakfast because after all it’s the most important meal of the day. By the eighth week, Dad is microwaving bean and cheese burritos.

First week-New backpacks! Eighth week-Broken zipper with a zip tie and some duct tape. The character backpacks are about as sturdy as a Walmart bag which replaces the backpack all together by the end of the year.

First week, hair is done every morning by Mom. Eighth week Dad does hair, AKA bed head with a bow. Oh yes and week one there are lots of hair accessories which are lost forever by week 4 or so. The pack of 1000 bobby pins is down to 4.

In the first week there are healthy lunches brought to school packed the night before in a new lunchbox. By the eighth week it’s Skittles and a package of Top Ramen in a paper bag since the lunchbox resembles a petrie dish. When the lunch is forgotten at home, it’s a frantic scavenge of car seats while in the carpool line at school trying to simultaneously count out $1.90 for a school lunch in nickels and lint, and not hit the poor crossing guard.

I am sure that there are lots of other things to bring up. But now I am tired and since it is still the first week of school I have to get up extra early so that all of my kids look and feel their best tomorrow morning! I decided that the first week of school is like a New Year’s resolution without the stress of trying to lose weight. Happy Back to School everyone!

July 24, 2018
We just got back home from a 12 day, 5000 mile road trip. One that 6 months ago my entire family nagged me to let us fly instead of drive. Let’s face it, we are so busy that I don’t get to actually spend much time with my kids so I was looking forward to some quality time on the road with them. We went on this trip to watch one of my 6 nephews get married. When my sister told me he was getting married I almost told her no way. How could this be happening? This is the little boy who thought we was Harry Potter but couldn’t pronounce his Rs so called himself Ha-We and once answered on his homework that milk came from the store instead of from cows. They moved when he was young so that’s how I always picture him. Now I watched him get married. I wanted to tell him “Congraduwations” and almost looked for the Sharpied lighting bolt scar on his forehead. How can a boy who will always be an 8 year old to me get married?

So while the rest of my Facebook friends were vacationing in Hawaii, Costa Rica, Italy, and other exotic places, we were road tripping to Kentucky. To make it more exciting, we planned to head to Iowa for a week after. Giddy up. On the road when I swiped though my social media I saw pictures of my friend’s views out of airplane windows and videos of zip lining through the jungle while I was stuck in a car that smelled like feet and milk farts for days.

I didn’t want to take extra time off of work which meant we’d have to pull an all nighter to get there on time. I don’t see what the problem is with that. I sleep just fine in the car while my husband drives through the wee hours. We set off on our trip driving through the night like we were on the run. My husband asked me to drive around 2am to which I responded yes and then instantly fell asleep for 2 hours. He loves me and I don’t know why.

Driving 30 hours straight is not without adventure. Every stop involved bladder busting sodas, $5 candy, salty heart attack inducing snacks, and a fly in the car. I was happy with my cheese and beef jerky being that I’ve sworn off sugar for the time being. I held cheese like it was a candy bar and bit right off the brick. I also drank a ton of water, and continuously needed to pee, like immediately, and sometimes we had to stop places you only see on an episode of Cops. Especially in the Ozarks at an all-night mini mart. As soon as we parked, swamp people came dragging out of the woods like the Thriller video. I ran into the bathroom before I peed my pants while my son was busy asking a lady with “Die” tattooed on her left knuckles and “Death” on her right which was spelled “Deaf” where the best place around there to go Noodling was. I figured the tattoo artist misunderstood her being that she was missing every third tooth. I had to decide whether I would protect my son or use the bathroom and clearly I chose not to pee my pants. The bathroom wall had peep holes drilled in them in surprisingly conspicuous places so I just did a small finger wave toward the hole at the creep that was for sure watching me. At this point I didn’t even care. We loaded up on our junk food and got back in the car as a 60 year old Eminem look-alike walked out of the mini mart, ripped his shirt off then took a Kiss mask out from his butt crack and put it on. He swaggered over to his car which looked like it was recently in a demolition derby, windshield shattered, and sped off with his head stuck out the window like Ace Ventura. I decided that a dental hygienist’s job there must be cake being that the whole town put together might have enough teeth for a full set.

We arrived in Kentucky just in time to shower and change. I successfully removed the half eaten lollipop stuck in my hair and rogue french fry from my bra which was a mystery since I didn’t eat any. It is extremely humid there so my hair was on point to make Weezey Jefferson jealous. I painted the girls nails and toes while driving so they looked like a 3 year old was offering mani-pedis. We were tired and wrinkled but we were there. On time.

After a few days in Kentucky we headed to Iowa. There we had adventures with mosquitos big enough to put a collar on and a near miss with a tornado. I’ll take earthquakes and rattlesnakes any day compared to that. As my friend and I drove towards the low hanging black swirling clouds an emergency alert rang out of her phone so loud I jumped in my seat and hit my head on the ceiling of her car. I looked over to see her reaction to the alert and she just shrugged and said “Eh, it’s fine”. Like this happens all of the time. Since my only experience with a tornado is watching the movie Twister I was looking around her car for something to use to tie myself to a pole. I was ready to jump out of her moving car any minute with my purse strap fastened around my waist. Luckily, we ended up turning away and headed home shortly after.

The rest of the trip was relaxing and uneventful. We laughed a lot and made great memories. I’d do it all over again to spend that time with my family. It’s always a good time when the Tart’s go on an adventure and I can’t wait until the next one.

April 25, 2018

I believe that we are put in certain places at certain times for a reason. Maybe to see how we will handle ourselves in situations. Mostly I think God just likes to mess with me. Today I had exactly 8 minutes to get from work to my Little’s school to pick her up so I figured I had plenty of time to make the 14 stops I needed to make before getting there. I first went to the grocery store to redeem my winnings of $5 cash from the in-store game going on and pick up a few items. Since we spent about 30 hours sifting through the game pieces for this prize I figured I better get it. I breezed through the store and grabbed apples, bananas which were on sale, and a Caesar salad all-in-one. I ran to the deserted customer service counter and stood there doing the “I’m in a hurry” dance waiting for someone to help me since I was on a strict time schedule. While waiting, a lady walked up behind me and asked if someone was opening the register. I had no idea but I told her that I suppose eventually since we were standing there. She told me she needed to change 4 quarters for a dollar. I offered her the dollar and she gave me about 16 coins, not a single one a quarter. I dumped the change in my purse and she told me to count it. I told her, “Um, no that’s ok” since I considered it lost forever in the Mary Poppins disaster I carry around as a purse and should have just offered her a dollar with nothing in return in the first place. She told me again to count it since she didn’t think it was a full dollar. What? I assured her it was ok and she turned and bumbled away.

Just then another lady came up behind me, leaned in and said that she just got money for the first time in 2 months. She was injured and had been waiting on disability but then had to go back to work. Then the day before she was scheduled to start work again she broke her leg. It seems she was down on her luck and I felt really bad for her. I wasn’t sure what I was meant to do for her at this time in this place. She said her leg was manageable but then she accidentally ran over her husband with her car. OMG! I asked if he was ok and she said, “Well, no!” turned abruptly and left. I must have stood there with my mouth open in shock for at least 2 minutes. I ended up putting my groceries back and stuffing my winning game board back in my purse to be redeemed another day since now I didn’t have time.

I picked up my Little from school on time since the carpool lane takes forever, dropped her at soccer practice, then stopped by another store to pick up what I needed. On my way in to the store that, by the way, didn’t have bananas on sale, a lady was sitting at a table eating a huge sandwich. As I walked by she grabbed my arm and asked me to buy her a salad. I looked to the sky and asked what in the world was going on today. I thought a salad was a strange request but it wasn’t booze or cigarettes so what the heck?

I don’t claim to know what God’s plans are for me but today left me a little confused. I think I was meant to offer someone in need some money, lend an ear to someone needing to talk, provide a healthy meal to a stranger, and pay full price for bananas.

April 21, 2018

I’d like to say that I wake up every morning feeling like P. Diddy but that would be a lie. Especially on an early soccer Saturday morning. It’s more like the droopy cartoon dog that uses toothpicks to keep his eyes open. Sleeping in is for the weak…and kidless.

Since my husband is on the pool deck all day I’m on soccer with my Little. I reluctantly rolled out of bed and dragged myself to the kitchen to start the coffee and feed the dog, knocking on her  door on the way. I narrowly missed falling in the hallway as the kitten weaved in and out of my feet. Same four-letter words, different day. I’m comfortable with routine. 
Once fueled for the day I showered, swiped sharpie on my roots, slathered on some lipstick, grabbed my shoes and we were out the door. I finally see the resemblance between myself and the preschool drawings my kids made of me. A circle with limbs coming out of it with black marker hair and bad lipstick. Accurate. 
We flew down the hill to the fields and my daughter jumped out of my moving car to make it there just in time. Success. Despite my mismatched shoes I’m calling this morning a win.

July 20, 2018

Sometimes to better yourself you have to say goodbye to people who aren’t good for you and turn to food for comfort. I’ll explain. I recently decided to make some changes in my life when I was surfing and didn’t have the strength to pop myself up on the board. I was mortified! If I wasn’t strong enough to surf, could I fend off a rabid attacker or fight my way through the crowds on Black Friday to get a super cheap TV? Could I protect my kids from an angry bear? While unlikely, these things are possible and I should always be ready for anything. I knew I needed to lose weight and get stronger if I was going to survive in today’s world. I decided to try the Keto diet and here’s my take.
If you love bread-don’t. If you poop regularly-forget it. If you are a Vegan-vegetarian-herbivore, stop it. Once in ketosis you will breathe, sweat and pee fat, which stinks, so carry deodorant and mouthwash. This is a high-fat, low-carb diet, yes that’s what I said, so forget everything you have ever been told about dieting. If you were born in the 70’s working out with Jane Fonda and Sweatin’ to the Oldies with Richard Simmons, you’ll have to change your whole outlook on nutrition. Most importantly, and let’s be honest, if you are over 40 you will need Botox and Fillers once the weight literally falls off of you. You will look like you are 100 if you don’t.
If you like drinking coffee with oil and butter in it, eating cheese for days-literally and gnawing on meat throughout the day like a hyena, you will love this diet. The first few days are a bummer but it gets really easy after that and losing 10 pounds in the first week was very motivating since my scale dictates my mood most days. Mostly I’m cranky. It’s an especially good diet if you like to eat bacon on bacon with a side of bacon, which fortunately for me I do. This diet was clearly made for me.
Here I am at week 8 and I’m still killing it. Just be careful if you travel. Young fast-food restaurant workers in the Midwest don’t know what protein style or wrapped in lettuce means. Literally. It was a struggle. I think I talk too fast. It was bad enough that people saw our California license plates and sped up to see who was driving like it might be someone famous. We just hid our faces and sped off. I just wanted a burger without the bun. It was impossible, like maybe illegal.
They say not to eat any sugar-free foods but I have because sometimes I need a sweet fix. This should be a rare occurrence, statistically like as often as you might plan on getting struck by lightning or win the lottery. If you do, just watch out. Eating too much of a sugar-free food at once will cause an immediate laxative effect. You will poop violently and explosively and sometimes stuff you haven’t even eaten yet will come out. You won’t get much notice so I recommend wearing running shoes at all times even while asleep. You have to be swift and can’t risk stepping on a Lego on your mad dash to the toilet. You won’t make it. Clear your calendar and send your family away for the night. Even the dog won’t stick by your side for this. Go ahead and send him on with the family. This seems to be the anecdote to the massive amount of cheese consumption mentioned earlier but sometimes the cons outweigh the pros. Like dehydration, hemorrhoids, and possible divorce. Your choice.
For the most part, this is has been a super easy diet for me to stick to since my body runs the most efficiently on fat and sass, which I already have a large supply of. I’m not sure how long I’ll follow it but for now I’m happy with it. Me and bacon against the world.
So, the people I have removed from my life are the donut guy and Ronald McDonald. It wasn’t easy, but I think they were only after my money anyway.

May 14, 2018

I once heard that if every spider in the world takes a day off, the ecological impact would be mayhem, famine, and disease. It’s similar to Mother’s Day when every mom takes a break from her usual routine. While I have almost no
similarities to a spider other than hairy legs and the one time I accidentally ate a fly, I can relate. As a result, I have declared today “National Messy House Monday”. It occurs every year the day after Mother’s Day because while we relax, the destruction of the house continues. Laundry multiplies when left unattended and dust and dog hair waits for no one. I currently have enough dog hair on my wood floors to make another dog. So, if you need me tonight, don’t because I’ll be busy. Next year I’m taking this day off. Cheers to the Monday after clean up efforts!

May 4, 2018
While waiting in line behind 50 people at Costco I called the store and asked them to open more registers. After laughing at my call they did! “Hi! I’m in line and I have ice cream and it’s hot outside, can you please open more registers?”

April 30, 2018

If he could only see the expression on my face when he sent this. It was similar to the time I used a Groupon for Botox and looked like an evil genius for 3 months. It didn’t matter where he said he was going, it could have been Narnia and my reaction would have been the same. He isn’t coming home.

“Bye Mom!” is all I got when I dropped my 4 year-old off at school on the first day of kindergarten and it was the same last fall at his college. Whether I like it or not, he’s moved out and it’s time to clean out his room. 
I entered his room wearing swim goggles and a dust mask then quickly added hard soled shoes once I discovered inadvertent LEGO booby traps. I thought an orange vest would be overkill since there wasn’t much chance of getting hit by a car in his room. I solved the great mystery of where socks go as everything I picked up had either a sock, a penny, or a rock under it. Rocks? Some things had all three. It took me 4 hours and lots of tears as I rifled through my only son’s last eighteen years. He wore a brown leather bomber jacket size 2T. He was going to be a paleontologist. I managed to reduce his childhood into a shoebox. Most other things were donated or hazmat. I recovered 8 single socks, 12 spoons, several sports pictures of the cutest dark haired little boy I ever saw, and $22.41 in change. I know he will be back from time to time but never to live home for good. I look forward to being annoyed when he comes home to visit and puts an empty milk carton back in the fridge and leaves his dirty laundry on the bathroom floor.

November 16, 2017

I Googled “Daylight Savings Time” and the first thing that popped up was “WTF?” (I’m kidding, don’t try it). Seriously it is so dumb. I have noticed three things this last week besides that it is cold (which equally sucks).

1. I have woken up at 4:00am every morning-ugh.
2. I am ready for bed at a quarter to 5 each night and
3. Since it is now daylight at the bus stop I probably need to wear a bra and shoes besides the slippers I took from a hotel room in the Dominican when dropping my daughter off. I think I may have heard the bus driver mumble something this morning about this not being Woodstock.

What’s worse, is that I just started running again being that I need to get my summer body ready, yes I need that much time, but now I don’t want to do anything but lay on my couch and watch the Hallmark channel. I will most likely get used to the new time when it’s time to spring forward again.

October 24, 2017

Why do I bother paying at the pump for gas when I go to get my receipt and it says “Attendant has receipt”? I swear they use that to lure you in to buy stuff from the mini mart. I’m sorry, was $8 a gallon not enough?

Yes, thank you for welcoming me to Circle K. No, I don’t need 64 ounces of diabetes for 89 cents or a king size bar of obesity 2 for a dollar. What part of me looks like it needs a snack? I just need my receipt.

Yes, it’s nice and cool in here and yes I see you have air fresheners for the car. I wouldn’t need the a/c if I hadn’t had to trek across the parking lot in a thousand degrees to come in here and hey let me rub that air freshener on my body cause now I’m sweaty. My receipt please.

Restroom? Nope. Don’t need hepatitis just in time for the holidays but thanks. Just need my receipt!

No, I don’t want to play the lottery today because I’m super happy being poor. Receipt please!
The best part is that I finally get my receipt, shove it in my purse and realize when I get home that it’s someone else’s.