Let There Be Bread

For those of you that know me, I have recently lost some weight following the Keto diet.  Well maybe not following it exactly, I still don’t know what my “macros” are nor do I care.  I basically eat high fat and little to no carbs.  I haven’t cheated once since the beginning of June unless you count the Halo Top Red Velvet Ice Cream I destroyed last night and therefore cannot be trusted to buy again.  I ate way more than the serving size, come on it’s just a suggestion, and probably ate too many carbs.  Nevertheless, I am down 26.2 pounds today.  Yes I’ve lost the equivalent to a marathon.

Lately I have been having dreams where I totally blow the diet and eat a lot of desserts.  They are nightmares until I wake up and realize I didn’t actually cheat.  Yay! So Friday I decided that I wanted try and make some Keto friendly bread cause quite frankly I’m a little sick of bacon and eggsand I miss bread.  I’m Italian, it’s a food group.  I Googled recipes that I can make in my bread maker.  I’m not a fan of kitchen gadgets, but like my Crock Pot, my bread maker is something that I can dump a bunch of ingredients in, push start, and go about my life while it does all the dirty work.  After writing down what I needed to buy, I took out a small loan to afford the ingredients, then ordered it all on Amazon with one-click.  Easy day.  Happy dance, I’m getting some bread.

About 30 minutes ago, the mail-millennial who probably is the low man on the totem pole being that he is working on Sunday, showed up with all my bread stuff.  As he pulled into my driveway I took off towards him at a full run and narrowly missed bouncing off his front bumper in my eagerness to get my package.  Bread! Glorious Bread!  I ripped it out of his hands, wished him a good day over my shoulder, and sprinted to the kitchen.

I opened the box with shaking hands I was so excited.  I took a swig of Diet Pepsi straight from the 2-Liter and got to work.  I followed the recipe exactly, careful not to spill anything.  My first car cost less than this stuff and I didn’t want to waste an ounce.  After about 5 minutes, I put it all in the bread maker, pushed start, and wiped the sweat from my brow.  Baking isn’t my favorite thing, it’s exhausting.  

So today on the Lord’s Day, I have made bread! At just roughly $16.95 per loaf I can finally eat a piece of toast that will probably have to be slathered with butter, which is totally legal on Keto, to make it not taste like a cardboard box.  Who cares? It’s bread.  Now I just have to wait 3 hours for it to be done.  The anticipation is worse than waiting for Christmas morning or the 3-wick candle sale at Bath and Body.  If you need me I’ll be speed cleaning the house and painting the hallway.  I’ll probably buzz around the neighborhood a few times too for good measure.  That should take just about enough time.  

Now here’s the rest of the story…

As I very impatiently waited for the bread to bake I thought of all the ways I would eat it once it was done.  At a narrow margin of votes between butter and peanut butter, me being the only voter, butter won.  As soon as the bread maker dinged that it was done, I rushed over to open it.  Showtime!  I looked inside and saw that it was funky shaped and gray in color.  Odd but whatever.  It was also super-hot but I didn’t care about that either.  I yanked the pan out of the machine and tipped it over to get the loaf out.  It was not budging, I think it was scared of me.  Frankly, I was a little scared of me too.  It was at that point that I began a one-on-one with the loaf of bread.  I banged it on the counter and tried wedging it out with a knife.   I tried tongs and a giant spoon. No go.  Finally after a good ten minutes, like a raccoon, I ripped it out of the pan with my fingers.  Cussing just a little, I slapped butter on it and sandwiched two pieces together with the melting butter in the middle. I blew the hairs that had slipped out of my bun during my fight with the pan off of my forehead and took a huge bite.  I chewed for a few seconds and then stopped, trying to figure out if I liked it or not.  I chewed some more and then a lot more.  I chewed that first bite for a solid five minutes.  Holy crap that bread was dense but it was too late now.  I was all in and I was not admitting defeat.  After a large glass of water I had finished my first taste of keto bread.  It…was…horrible and I felt like I had a brick in my stomach that had tiny brick babies.  I left the bread in the kitchen and decided that it was dead to me.  By the time my Little found me, I was laying on the ground flailing around like a turtle that had flipped over.  Her little face scrunched up to a confused look and asked why I was trying to make snow angels on the carpet. Not caring to hear my answer, she turned to leave the room and warned me not to eat the moldy bread on the counter.

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