I decided to have a dinner party tonight. No one is invited. I’ll bring out the good dishes, which are gently used paper plates, and whatever utensils are clean. I can’t find any spoons so I won’t be serving soup. Also, I don’t have any soup. No one does. The kitchen table is covered with board games and a half completed 1000 piece puzzle so we will be eating standing up leaning against the walls. The floor is scattered with tossed Monopoly game pieces after a particularly intense game last night, so watch your step, the Scotty dog has sharp edges. I still haven’t decided what to cook for dinner and will be selecting what ingredients I have left at random, setting a timer and seeing what I come up with, just like an episode of Chopped. Bring Tums. I’ve made slightly expired cupcakes for dessert and you can save the wrapper should you need to use the bathroom since we are out of toilet paper. Don’t mind the mess. I actually clean every day but it doesn’t matter. The mess comes back doubled. My iRobot quit and I’m thinking of going with him. Also, the house smells a bit like boredom and adolescence but I have my candles working overtime to try and combat the stink. In an effort to look my best tonight to impress no one, I decided to dye my hair. Since it has been so long, I had to dunk my whole head in a vat of dye like I was bobbing for apples. My hairline looks like Dracula now but no grays, so that’s a win. I’m also planning on wearing my “good sweats” and possibly a bra. I’m so excited to have something to look forward too as I have already watched too many disturbing documentaries on Netflix and every episode of The Golden Girls twice. Oh that Blanche just kills me. It’s going to be a great time. Please RSVP with how many of you will not be coming to the party, so I can plan accordingly. I can’t wait to not see everyone!