Planet Wal-Mart

It’s finally feeling like fall which is great because I can’t tell you how many times I almost left the house without shorts on during that record breaking heat wave. It was just too hot for all those clothes. So when I went to watch my Middle’s tennis match at the high school last week, I actually had to pause and look down to check to see if I was wearing clothes when I got out of the car. Whew, I was, but seriously I need to pay more attention.

Another good thing about fall is candy corns, yes plural, which I always get at Wal-Mart even though they are sold everywhere else. It doesn’t matter that I won’t eat any, I must have them.  Since I had to go to Wal-Mart anyway to buy cat food, I added candy corns to the list. So after the tennis match I stopped at Wally’s World on my way home. I had a list of just those two items and now was my test to see if I could only get what was on the list.

I arrived at the store just about the time that everyone else in the county was also pulling in.  Great!  I locked my car forgetting my reusable bags inside like I always do and headed to the store.  I noticed that there were no carts available.  Not a good sign but that’s ok I only needed 2 things.  This would be super-quick.

Everyone knows that while perusing Wal-Mart you will encounter people equivalent only to the DMV or Mars because there are entire websites dedicated to these people.  Who am I to judge anyway?  30 minutes ago I wasn’t sure if I was naked or not.  

Shortly after entering the store, I realized why there weren’t any carts available as they were all in use at the same time in the aisle I was in. Security!  What is the maximum capacity of this joint? I should have left right then but I’m no quitter so I soldiered on.  I began seeing things that we definitely needed at home and started loading up my arms. Forget the list.  Too bad I couldn’t use the giant purse I had weighing down my left shoulder, but that might look too much like shoplifting. Actually by definition it would be.  I weaved in and out of oncoming traffic through each aisle like a boss realizing that the people with carts were way slower navigating through the store than I was.  So long suckers!  I was in a really good groove whipping around the other shoppers balancing a bag of Cuties on my head like Chiquita Banana when I spun around a lady with multiple kids in and around her cart and slammed right into a display of baked goods.  Whoops. I acted like I meant to do it and grabbed 2 smashed boxes of pumpkin something donuts. There was a guy wearing a faded jean jacket and a pocket watch watching the whole thing and I know he was thinking that all he needed was popcorn for this show. I acted like I had no idea why he was giving me a strange look. What? I’m wearing shorts. I checked. I looked down as I thought that and 3 tangerines fell out of the bag on my head and rolled away. I hustled to the check out line and settled in behind 14 people in one of the only 4 lines that were open.  When I finally reached the conveyor belt I fell forward with all my loot and laid down for a second longer than necessary.  Once it started to move, I got up and paid for my groceries. I caved and bought more reusable bags and ended up leaving with random stuff like a rotisserie chicken, QTips, cuties, and a virus. Sadly, what I forgot was the candy corns and cat food. Dang it.

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