Keto

July 20, 2018

Sometimes to better yourself you have to say goodbye to people who aren’t good for you and turn to food for comfort. I’ll explain. I recently decided to make some changes in my life when I was surfing and didn’t have the strength to pop myself up on the board. I was mortified! If I wasn’t strong enough to surf, could I fend off a rabid attacker or fight my way through the crowds on Black Friday to get a super cheap TV? Could I protect my kids from an angry bear? While unlikely, these things are possible and I should always be ready for anything. I knew I needed to lose weight and get stronger if I was going to survive in today’s world. I decided to try the Keto diet and here’s my take.
If you love bread-don’t. If you poop regularly-forget it. If you are a Vegan-vegetarian-herbivore, stop it. Once in ketosis you will breathe, sweat and pee fat, which stinks, so carry deodorant and mouthwash. This is a high-fat, low-carb diet, yes that’s what I said, so forget everything you have ever been told about dieting. If you were born in the 70’s working out with Jane Fonda and Sweatin’ to the Oldies with Richard Simmons, you’ll have to change your whole outlook on nutrition. Most importantly, and let’s be honest, if you are over 40 you will need Botox and Fillers once the weight literally falls off of you. You will look like you are 100 if you don’t.
If you like drinking coffee with oil and butter in it, eating cheese for days-literally and gnawing on meat throughout the day like a hyena, you will love this diet. The first few days are a bummer but it gets really easy after that and losing 10 pounds in the first week was very motivating since my scale dictates my mood most days. Mostly I’m cranky. It’s an especially good diet if you like to eat bacon on bacon with a side of bacon, which fortunately for me I do. This diet was clearly made for me.
Here I am at week 8 and I’m still killing it. Just be careful if you travel. Young fast-food restaurant workers in the Midwest don’t know what protein style or wrapped in lettuce means. Literally. It was a struggle. I think I talk too fast. It was bad enough that people saw our California license plates and sped up to see who was driving like it might be someone famous. We just hid our faces and sped off. I just wanted a burger without the bun. It was impossible, like maybe illegal.
They say not to eat any sugar-free foods but I have because sometimes I need a sweet fix. This should be a rare occurrence, statistically like as often as you might plan on getting struck by lightning or win the lottery. If you do, just watch out. Eating too much of a sugar-free food at once will cause an immediate laxative effect. You will poop violently and explosively and sometimes stuff you haven’t even eaten yet will come out. You won’t get much notice so I recommend wearing running shoes at all times even while asleep. You have to be swift and can’t risk stepping on a Lego on your mad dash to the toilet. You won’t make it. Clear your calendar and send your family away for the night. Even the dog won’t stick by your side for this. Go ahead and send him on with the family. This seems to be the anecdote to the massive amount of cheese consumption mentioned earlier but sometimes the cons outweigh the pros. Like dehydration, hemorrhoids, and possible divorce. Your choice.
For the most part, this is has been a super easy diet for me to stick to since my body runs the most efficiently on fat and sass, which I already have a large supply of. I’m not sure how long I’ll follow it but for now I’m happy with it. Me and bacon against the world.
So, the people I have removed from my life are the donut guy and Ronald McDonald. It wasn’t easy, but I think they were only after my money anyway.

Mother’s Day?

May 14, 2018

I once heard that if every spider in the world takes a day off, the ecological impact would be mayhem, famine, and disease. It’s similar to Mother’s Day when every mom takes a break from her usual routine. While I have almost no
similarities to a spider other than hairy legs and the one time I accidentally ate a fly, I can relate. As a result, I have declared today “National Messy House Monday”. It occurs every year the day after Mother’s Day because while we relax, the destruction of the house continues. Laundry multiplies when left unattended and dust and dog hair waits for no one. I currently have enough dog hair on my wood floors to make another dog. So, if you need me tonight, don’t because I’ll be busy. Next year I’m taking this day off. Cheers to the Monday after clean up efforts!

I Heart Costco

May 4, 2018
While waiting in line behind 50 people at Costco I called the store and asked them to open more registers. After laughing at my call they did! “Hi! I’m in line and I have ice cream and it’s hot outside, can you please open more registers?”

My baby Grew Up

C4F2C50A-6650-4268-BF2E-BAC271588749April 30, 2018

If he could only see the expression on my face when he sent this. It was similar to the time I used a Groupon for Botox and looked like an evil genius for 3 months. It didn’t matter where he said he was going, it could have been Narnia and my reaction would have been the same. He isn’t coming home.

“Bye Mom!” is all I got when I dropped my 4 year-old off at school on the first day of kindergarten and it was the same last fall at his college. Whether I like it or not, he’s moved out and it’s time to clean out his room. 
I entered his room wearing swim goggles and a dust mask then quickly added hard soled shoes once I discovered inadvertent LEGO booby traps. I thought an orange vest would be overkill since there wasn’t much chance of getting hit by a car in his room. I solved the great mystery of where socks go as everything I picked up had either a sock, a penny, or a rock under it. Rocks? Some things had all three. It took me 4 hours and lots of tears as I rifled through my only son’s last eighteen years. He wore a brown leather bomber jacket size 2T. He was going to be a paleontologist. I managed to reduce his childhood into a shoebox. Most other things were donated or hazmat. I recovered 8 single socks, 12 spoons, several sports pictures of the cutest dark haired little boy I ever saw, and $22.41 in change. I know he will be back from time to time but never to live home for good. I look forward to being annoyed when he comes home to visit and puts an empty milk carton back in the fridge and leaves his dirty laundry on the bathroom floor.

Daylight Savings

November 16, 2017

I Googled “Daylight Savings Time” and the first thing that popped up was “WTF?” (I’m kidding, don’t try it). Seriously it is so dumb. I have noticed three things this last week besides that it is cold (which equally sucks).

1. I have woken up at 4:00am every morning-ugh.
2. I am ready for bed at a quarter to 5 each night and
3. Since it is now daylight at the bus stop I probably need to wear a bra and shoes besides the slippers I took from a hotel room in the Dominican when dropping my daughter off. I think I may have heard the bus driver mumble something this morning about this not being Woodstock.

What’s worse, is that I just started running again being that I need to get my summer body ready, yes I need that much time, but now I don’t want to do anything but lay on my couch and watch the Hallmark channel. I will most likely get used to the new time when it’s time to spring forward again.

Gas Station Scam Artists

October 24, 2017

Why do I bother paying at the pump for gas when I go to get my receipt and it says “Attendant has receipt”? I swear they use that to lure you in to buy stuff from the mini mart. I’m sorry, was $8 a gallon not enough?

Yes, thank you for welcoming me to Circle K. No, I don’t need 64 ounces of diabetes for 89 cents or a king size bar of obesity 2 for a dollar. What part of me looks like it needs a snack? I just need my receipt.

Yes, it’s nice and cool in here and yes I see you have air fresheners for the car. I wouldn’t need the a/c if I hadn’t had to trek across the parking lot in a thousand degrees to come in here and hey let me rub that air freshener on my body cause now I’m sweaty. My receipt please.

Restroom? Nope. Don’t need hepatitis just in time for the holidays but thanks. Just need my receipt!

No, I don’t want to play the lottery today because I’m super happy being poor. Receipt please!
The best part is that I finally get my receipt, shove it in my purse and realize when I get home that it’s someone else’s.

Toilet 911

September 30, 2017

This morning I had to make an emergency phone call to my daughter from the toilet because the toilet paper roll was empty. God forbid someone else replaces it! Do I have to do everything around here? It’s like, “Mom’s drinking coffee, let’s really screw with her!” I am outnumbered for sure. My kids have no idea how to communicate unless it’s by way of a smartphone. I almost had to send a Snapchat from the toilet. I’d love to watch that go viral. I’m going to have to make a Youtube video to get through to them. “Hey guys! Today I am going to show you how to change a toilet paper roll.” Good grief! The zombie apocalypse is coming people but it isn’t going to be caused by a virus. It will just be our kids in 10 years wandering around clueless about how to do anything. Lord help us all!